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What’s in a Number?

There are a lot of numbers that weigh heavy in a woman’s life, such as the calories in the food we consume, how old we are turning (whether it is 21 or half a century), how many likes we get on our profile picture, how many kids we’re going to have, how much we weigh, how much we paid for our shoes, etc. But here is a burning question of mine…should the number of lovers a lady has affect the way a man perceives her?

As an anthropology student, I always seem to blame “culture” on everything that is strange with certain civilizations. Using the word blame is a bit misleading, but in this case, I feel it’s appropriate. Cultures all over the world construct the images of both genders by illustrating them as unequal. The ideology of nature versus nurture is one of the many reasons to blame for this, as well as the machismo way of thinking from the majority of cultures. With a few exceptions, women always seem to be subordinate to men – whether in politics, the office, or the household. In Madagascar, men bring their wives to argue for them in political debates. Although women are more assertive in Malagasy culture, they are used as the voice of political figures, showing a sense of subordination – participating in politics as the voice of their male counterparts. Males have always been the superior gender and shaped society according to their own beliefs. Femininity is just another product of the patriarchal ideology. Anthropology theorists, till this day, blame culture to explain the universe’s “gender asymmetry,” or this double standard.

If a man has sex with 25 girls in a year, he is the man of the year. If a girl does the same, she is deemed the slut of the year. So ladies, hold on to your panties because these femme fatales of this American fairy tale are in for a great discussion. Some other questions rise when determining a girl’s digits (and I’m not referring to her phone number).

One question to take into consideration is how long has the femme fatale (I’ll be calling these girls with high-digits femme fatales for the sake of the article) been having sex? Another important question to consider is her age and whom she had sex with, whether they were flings or a long-term relationship. If she has a high body count because she is unfaithful and can’t commit, then that is a different story.

For the record, I don’t think you’re a slut if you have a high number count. You’re a slut by being a slut. Look at Samantha from Sex and the City; she is one of my favorite characters in television history (second to Joan Harris from Mad Men). She was so in touch with her femininity and bragged about her sexuality. It brought her confidence, which is a woman’s best cosmetic. A slut, according to my lexicon, is someone who is at a party and gets passed around like a joint, if you know what I mean, or someone who is giving blowjobs in the corner alley of your block. Or let’s take it back to the Belle Époque Paris where Léa (Michelle Pfeifer) is a retired courtesan in Chéri (2009), or Pablo Piccaso’s mistress Adriana (Marion Cotillard), who was also the mistress of Earnest Hemmingway in Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris (2011). Now those are some pretty whoresque values for one to obtain, don’t you agree?

If you’re in a relationship, and you or your partner have a high count, just get tested for any STDs. Best sex is safe sex, I always say. Femme fatales, you cannot change your past, therefore… your number will never change, despite the “he didn’t really count because…” gibberish. Get past this regret phase and accept who you are, regardless of what you think your partner might think if he discovers your number. It doesn’t matter how many notches you have beneath that belt, or how many he has below his. Plus, he is supposed to be in love with you for who you are, not for who you were.

From personal experience (I dated a guy who had over 25 conquests to his name, and he added a few while he was in a “monogamous relationship” with me), I feel that if a femme fatale does want to find out her counterpart’s number, it will just make you very insecure! I speak from personal experience and from what I see around me. Who cares about the number? Honestly, if a femme fatale has a high number count, it can either go two ways: “Oh man, she has a lot of experience and she knows what she’s doing…I like that,” or “Gross, she’s been around…NEXT!” However the scenario plays out, let’s just keep it real.

Lying about your number?

Is it OK to lie about your number? If you’re starting a serious relationship (aka if you see him as the parent of your offspring, not serious as in “facebook official”) I suggest you NOT lie about your number, even if it is in the triple-digits. You do not want to start off with lies. Embrace your number. Let’s consider this quick example before I wrap it up (no pun intended). If you started having sex at the age of 18 and had sex with a boy every season since, by the time you’re 25, you’ll have had sex with 28 guys! That sounds like an outrageous number, but life is too short to be dwelling on the number. I’m not saying to go out there and have sexual relations with everyone you see, I’m just saying if it happened, don’t be too ashamed. Remember Dr. Seuss’ quote: “Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” It is an American fairy-tale and we must wake-up and realize that the gender asymmetry is NEVER going to change and it is time we embrace it.

What about you femme fatales, are you ashamed of your digit?

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Permalink Reply by Danny Acosta on June 18, 2012 at 10:02pm

A great window into the woman's psyche regarding the insecurities brought up by "the number". An issue that needs addressing since sex plays a huge role in our lives. Awesome work!

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Permalink Reply by Ximena G. on June 18, 2012 at 11:23pm

Haha, yes. Sex is very important in our lives and I don't know why a lot of people deem it as "taboo". I'm glad we got a guy's opinion on the piece. Thank you!

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Permalink Reply by Ella on June 18, 2012 at 11:07pm

If even the women with a high number are ashamed, society is bound to criticize them. However, if women would embrace their independence and confidently stand by their choices, soceital stigmas would begin to change.

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Permalink Reply by Ximena G. on June 18, 2012 at 11:25pm

I agree with you 100%. That doesn't mean we should wear our number on our foreheads for everyone to see. Just be careful who you tell your number to. Look how we (ladies) have changed since the '60s let's say. We've made a lot of progress :)

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Permalink Reply by DiaryDiscussions on June 19, 2012 at 3:33pm

Great article!!

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Permalink Reply by Ximena G. on July 11, 2012 at 11:50pm

Thank you!

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Permalink Reply by Goddess on June 20, 2012 at 12:49pm

I think as a young girl, we don't realize the effect a sex number is gonna have later in life. So we go about life not recognizing how high it's getting. When the time comes for Us to settle down, it's too late and admitting th number can make or break a new relationship. I still think it's best to be honest so there's no surprises later. But here's the trick, only count the memorable experiences... I know damn well every sex partner doesn't deserve a number on my list anyway lol

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Permalink Reply by Ximena G. on July 11, 2012 at 11:53pm

This is an interesting point of view. It is true, not everyone deserves to be on our laundry list, but the fact that it happened, makes them a part of it. Lying about it can be a bit risky, because I'm a firm believer that the truth always surface. The best bet is just not talk about it or answer with a simple..."I don't know, I don't keep count Not more than 10, maybe like six!" etc...

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Permalink Reply by Jamie Cartright on July 13, 2012 at 10:35am

If a man has sex w/25 girls in one year...he is a pig. Pre/extramarital sex is WRONG, period. I don't give a hoot in hell what your gender is. If you have been promiscuous in the past--STOP it. You have a choice. Sex is supposed to be a wonderful event shared by people who are married to each other.

We as a society have cheapened sex and made women sex objects, placing on them a burden they can't carry. It's time to start holding ourselves and our friends to a higher standard than this bull. We (especially Black women) are never going to be respectable as long as we go along with the stereotypes and social expectations that require us to behave like lewd and lascivious animals.

Women-respect yourselves. You don't need his "love". No knight in shining armor is coming to save your lonely behind. Suck it up, and move on.

Men-respect women. They are created in God's image and your equal. How are we supposed to believe a word you say when the only thing you're good at is lying to us?

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Permalink Reply by Goddess on July 13, 2012 at 10:42am

Damn girl u went in on the dudes! i agree with u on something, whether its a man or woman hoeing around, its still wrong. Sex is cheapened by that kinda behavior. But i dont think u can expect only married people to have sex, especially with marriage being so unsure these days

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Permalink Reply by Jamie Cartright on July 13, 2012 at 10:52am

1. I "went in" on them b/c it's time they heard the truth. Now, they are responsible for what they have heard, and they will be judged for not having acted on it.

2. Marriage is so "unsure" because we (both men and women) have decided that we don't have to be people of our words, EVEN when it costs us something. We have no real clue what it means to sacrifice your wants for someone else's needs. Because we live in a male-dominated society, men TEND to be the worst culprits-that being said, HUMAN BEINGS (women included, sadly) are selfish and self-centered. This makes it difficult to put the needs of others before our own. HOWEVER, it's not impossible. We just have to suck it up and to the right thing. I know it's not a popular message, but, it's the truth.

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Permalink Reply by Goddess on July 13, 2012 at 11:38am

i feel u. its too easy to give up on marriage these days so people do it without thinking about the consequences.

But seriously though, sex can also be enjoyed with people who r comitted to each other, not only on paper

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What’s in a Number?

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